¿Maniac Mound?
by Dr. PHead
Summary: The story formely known as Silent Hill 2: Direckters's Cut. Is it just me, or did it take over a year for this chapter? Hardly worth it I think, but it gets better after this. Trust me.
1. Default Chapter

There are certain towns in the history of life that few people regard as important, or regard at all. These towns change the lives of the people who enter them drastically, yet humanity as a whole has no idea. With a few exceptions.   
One of these rare cases is one of the least popular tour guide books of the United States, with every page containing information about one of these towns. It does not go into great detail, but a few key passages read as follows. "Come see glorious Silent Hill in all its glory. This quiet mound used to be home to drug lords, motorcycle gangs, Satanist, and several McDonalds. Now it's the perfect vacation spot for psychos, convicts, and butchers."  
The guide goes into a little detail about said vacationers. "Many tortured souls make the journey every fall to witness Silent Hill's most beautiful season. The leaves turn a magnificent shade of red before falling gently to the ground bellow, covering roads, sidewalks, bodies, and the lake alike."  
It is worth noting that this guide can only be found in the fiction section of a few no-name book stores. It is also worth noting that only one copy was ever sold.  
  
James stared at himself in the mirror of a rest area just outside of Silent Hill. "Why?" he asked himself. "Why do I have to be so damn sexy?" He continued to stare in the mirror, gently stroking his chin. "Of all the convicts, nay people, in the world, why do I have to be the sexiest?" After several more minutes of self-admiration, he brushed the thought aside with his hair, fished around in his pocket for a moment, and withdrew a picture. Gazing at it with a look not even a mother could love, he says to himself "Ah, Mary. I wonder if you're really here..."  
He left the smelly bathroom and returned to his car parked outside. It was a '72 cherry red Chevy Camero with leather seats, a 200 disc CD-changer in the trunk, an odd looking figurine on the dash, and a bumper sticker that reads "Ass, Ass or Ass, no one rides for free."  
After fiddling with the keys for what seemed like minutes, he managed to unlock the driver side door, leaned inside and scooped up a map of the area from where it rested on his seat. He glanced quickly at a strange stain in the shape of an X on a large street that would lead him into town, but dismissed it as quickly as the glance. He'd stolen the map from a bum sleeping on a bench at the rest area a few towns back, and figured he'd be better off not guessing what the stain was. After making the decision to take the road with the stain, James fumbled with trying to fold the map, but gave up after a minute of unnecessary frustration and decided he'd be better of just cramming it into his pocket. So he did.  
It was a solid 20 second walk to the tunnel which marked his entrance to Silent Hill, so he reached inside his car once more, opened the glove box and retrieved a Twix. After walking about ten seconds, his legs started to give, so he tore into the Twix bar, munching gleefully as he walked for the other ten seconds. But he was stopped short in his tracks. The tunnel, in plain few now, was boarded up with wood and covered from wall to wall with chain-link fence. "Damnit!" he cursed to himself, discarding the uneaten portion of his treat in anger. How was he supposed to know the tunnel was closed with all this fog. "Wait a minute, the map!" He reached into his bulging pocket and pulled out the crinkled map once more. Upon closer inspection, he realized there were numerous stains all over the map. Some circles, some Xs. His finger searched for his current location, finding that where he was standing was exactly where an X was blotted. He searched the map of his local area and found a tiny, lakeside trail featuring a bright circle. He assumed it best to attempt this path. "Oh shit!" he cried out in terror, realizing the trail ran about 10 minutes out of his way. "This doesn't look good," he sighed, "I have no more candy!"  
He drudged along, regretting his now Twix-less trip. The path, marked by a circle on the map, lay just ahead. He could barely see it through the thick fog, but managed to find his way onto the path. But seeing as how it was so foggy, and the path being so narrow, and right on the shore of a lake, James walked too far to the side, lost his balance, and slipped right into the lake. The soggy James yelled a few choice words. He reached into his pocket, pulled out the now useless map, tossed it to the middle of lake, or as far as a soaking wet map could travel when thrown by hand, and yelled a few more choice words. Apparently someone didn't like his obscene language, or his littering, because the soaking wet map now made it's way towards James's head. It struck it with a dull, wet thud, and somehow managed to land perfectly in the breast pocket of his favorite green leather jacket. "Christ, man, you messed up my hair!" he cried as he reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, protruded a black comb, and proceeded to mold his hair back into it's usual perfect shape. He felt it best not to question the return of his map.  
Managing to make his way back unto the path, he continued his stroll along the skinny path, dodging tree branches, and occasionally stopping to listen to the local wildlife stalk him from all sides. Strange thing was, every time he heard it and stopped to listen, the noises stopped as well. "Probably just echoes from the lake," he said aloud, hoping the makers of the noise heard him. Even stranger than the stalking local wildlife was the odd placement of the well. It was just a few inches off the path ahead, and seemed to have no purpose, or make any sense of any kind. Of course, neither does a map that when thrown away comes back, hits you in the head, and lands perfectly in the breast pocket of your favorite green leather jacket.  
Further inspection of the well proved useless. It seemed of no importance, no interest. He peered deep into the well, and as he did so, his head started to pound immensely. "It feels like someone drugged me up, raped me, and left me under the busiest interstate in America, after beating my skull in with a metal bar," he stated. This feeling not being the most comfortable in the world, or even remotely enjoyable, he retracted his head only to find his vision was blocked by the steadily thickening fog. He decided to continue his journey into town before it got any worse.  
A few feet away from the well lie an immense gate, complete with rusted hinges, thick bars, and a "All Trespasser's Will Have Their Brains Eaten and Their Souls Devoured" sign. "They don't mean it," he thought, "It's just to scare the local teens or something." He wasn't very reassuring to himself. He walked a couple paces forward when through the fog he spotted a sexy young chick bending over a grave. He stood still staring at her ass, which was accentuated by her tight blue jeans. He stepped a little closer, to get a better look at her lovely ass, and hoping to start a conversation. He cleared his throat, "Ahem." She stood up quickly and turned to face James. A scream of terror leapt out from his vocal cords and into the damp, foggy air. 


	2. Strangers in the day

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!," he screamed, echoed by "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!," the scream escaping from her lips. They exchanged screams for a little while until both realized it would them get nowhere. 'Damn, she's got to be the ugliest broad I've ever seen,' James thought to himself. 'Well, he's not perfect, but I haven't been laid since, well...' she thought to herself. A silence ensued, and was only broken when James could stand it no longer.  
"Hello, I'm James. And you are?"  
"You... you shouldn't be here," came the reply.  
"Well, I'm here any ways. So you have a name?" inquired James.  
"It's... it's Angela. But... but you really shouldn't be here," said the girl who calls herself Angela. She wasn't the prettiest girl in Silent Hill, but she was the tamest of the two.  
"Hey listen, Angela was it?"  
"It was. Or is rather." She held one arm with the other around the elbow, staring at the ground, kicking an imaginary rock.  
"Great, well, I'm looking for Lakeview Hotel. I got this strange letter and a photo from this sexy chick who said to meet her there and she'd... well, that's not important. What is important is that I find this...," he searched his brain for a moment. "Mary, that's it!," he exclaimed. "Or Maria. Or Marvin... No, wait, that's not it. Missy..."  
Angela decided to interrupt James's brain racking activity by tapping him on the shoulder. "Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt but... you really shouldn't go there. That town is... different. Something's not right there."  
"Yeah, tell me about it. Are all the chicks as easy as this Mary?"  
"No, it's not that." She gave James a look that can only be described as weird.  
"So if this town is so different, which I assume is bad, why are you here?" inquired James.  
"I'm... I'm looking for my mother. You haven't seen her, have you?" She gave him a pitiful glance, complete with teary eyes.  
"Umm, no. But I must be off. If I don't get there soon, she might start without me. Hot chicks don't like being kept waiting, you know? Well, maybe you don't. Anywho, gotta run. Good luck with the missing parent... deal... See ya." And with that he strolled off towards a small church which was also near another gate, smaller than the first, yet no less menacing. Angela could only stand there, mouth agape, eyes big, brain lost. She watched James wonder off towards the gate by the church, hesitated, then sat back on the ground, head in hands.  
The new path presented to James was no more inviting than the last. His whole trip into town, various occupants of the surrounding woods continued to mimic his steps. To top it all off, it had been a good 20 minutes since he's last eaten. He checked the soggy map once more and noticed there was a convenience store in the heart of the town. He also noticed many restaurants along the way, but figured it'd be easier to knock over a convenience store.  
Upon arrival into a more developed part of town, through the fog he could see a strange figure walking with some sass. "Hey, wait up!" he cried, hoping to score twice in one trip. He followed a strange trail of blood on the ground, and hoped it wasn't coming from where he thought it was.  
Down a dark alley, still on route of the sassy figure, he started to hear a strange noise. It sounded like a radio, but didn't sound like whoever owned it knew anything about music. Not only was the station not tuned in well, but it was a horrible choice of station. Getting closer to the source he could tell whoever chose it was either a teenage girl, or someone with issues. A huge grin formed at the thought of the former.  
The loudest the radio got was at the end of the alley, which was ended by a strange tunnel of sorts. The tunnel was half-ass blocked off by skinny planks of wood, but this did not dissuade James, for in the tunnel he spied the radio and the teenage girl he dreamed of. 'Everything's coming up James,' he thought as he crept into the small tunnel. Not only was he getting to find this mystery girl, but this was also his chance to turn off that radio. He reached a hand out towards the radio, aiming for the off switch, when his attention was suddenly drawn elsewhere. Elsewhere was a foot or two away from the radio, on the ground, where James's dreams were suddenly standing up from their place on the ground, revealing themselves to be something horrible. Something unholy. Something like what was playing on the radio.  
He wanted to turn and run, so he tried. But the planks of wood blocking him in mixed with the panic instigated by the approaching terror caused James to pull out a plank of loose wood and smack whatever it was behind him on the head. The smack on the head caused the monster with the sassy walk to fall to the ground with a thud. The pulling out of the plank caused two events. One: James was now armed with some sort of weapon, and two: James now had many painful splinters in his hands.  
Oddly enough, James noticed that the monster was attracted to the crappy songs playing on the radio, so he smashed it quickly and fiercely with the plank. "I'll be damned if I want those...," he poked the limp creature with the plank. "Whatever the hell it is. If there are more, I don't want them around me." And with that, he left the tunnel, radio, and creature behind, making his way back to the main road. 


	3. Dresses, insanity, and pyramids

Following the map he noticed a the main road ahead was blocked off and the only way around it was through a local apartment building. Upon entering the building, he noticed a map conveniently located in the main lobby. He picked it up, opened it, and examined it half-assly. One thing that stood out was a large pool a few doors from where he was standing. 'This trip isn't turning out so bad,' he thought to himself. 'Perhaps I can find some chicks lounging around the pool.'  
He ran with the swiftness of a desperate man to the door which would lead to what he thought would be a wonderful change of pace, but his happiness was smashed by the doorknob's unwillingness to move. 'Locked,' he thought, 'of all things.' He attempted with a maddened fury to break down the door, but to no avail. He looked at the map to see if there was another way, and saw that if he crawled out of a window from the second story, he would make it to the bikini-clad-babe filled water hole. So he made his way to the stairwell. But like many doors in this placed, it was locked. "What the hell is wrong with this place?" James wondered out loud. "Every door seems to be locked, the lighting is horrible, and it smells like stale beer."  
He quickly ran through the hallway checking every door. Finding one unlocked, he flung open the door, and hurried inside. But the room was no more inviting to James than a N'Sync concert. Furniture was thrown every where. What appeared to be blood was splattered on the walls. The only thing with the slightest bit of interest to him was a flowered dress hanging on mannequin in the middle of the living room, a flashlight attached to the front of it.  
  
Some things to consider about James. For starters, he is a very lonely man, with lots of spare time. The only reason he came to this godforsaken town was the prospect of him getting laid. He lived with mom until he got convicted for the rape of a 16-year-old girl. The incident happened when James got fired from his job and retired to a local bar the same night. He met the girl there, and she claimed she was 18. James didn't care either way. Until she pressed charges. James spent the next three years in prison, which did wonders to his mind. He spent the first year in prison in the corner of his cell until his newest roommate decided to play a little game of balls on chin with James. He spent the remaining two years believing he was a woman named Barbara.  
  
James twirled about in front of the full length mirror in room 208. 'Ravishing,' he thought. 'Absolutely stunning,' he chirped as he spun around. 'And what luck. It fits perfectly!' James had shed off his favorite green jacket, discarded his blue jeans, and thrown his gray shirt aside in favor of the flowered dress on the mannequin in the middle of the room. James thought the dress made him look wonderful, but someone else in the room thought otherwise. Lying on the floor behind the mannequin, hidden in the shadows, a monster that resembled two pairs of legs joined at the waist, one on top of the other, slowly stood up and approached James from behind. But he was too busy admiring his new outfit to notice.  
The monster crept ever closer to James, and it wasn't before it got right on his heels that he finally saw it in the mirror. He spun around rapidly and contemplated whacking it a couple times with his plank, but got a strange urge that only a deranged convict would get. He checked out the mannequin from foot to... foot, and realized that it meant him no harm. It looked like it was lonely and only wanted a companion, or maybe a hug. James made his move. He slowly moved an arm around it, while it violently thrashed it's arms about, almost hitting him in the head several times. "Calm down darling, I'm not going to hurt you. Why don't you just loosen that bra, and join me in the closet." He made for it's mid section then realized it wasn't wearing a bra. Or any clothes for that matter. "Now that's a good girl. You were here waiting for me all along, weren't you? Your name isn't Mary by any chance, is it? It doesn't matter, as long as you're willing." The creature tried kicking him in the shins, but gave up after it figured out it's attempts to damage the man groping it were futile. "Now why don't we move to some place more private?" James walked towards the closet, his new girlfriend in hand, slid open the door, and pushed it inside. "If you just relax, this will only take a minute," he said as he hiked up the dress. "And I promise I won't hurt you." A grin five miles wide spread across his face.  
James's mind was filled with immense joy. His brain was soaked with pleasure. His head was bursting with happiness. And this was only as he pulled up his skirt. But these feelings were quickly lost as he heard a sound he wished he hadn't. The door to the room that housed the closet he was in suddenly burst open. From the hallway came a massive looking beast with a strange pyramid attached to his neck. No sign of eyes, a mouth, a nose, or any sort of head accessories could be seen. Gripped firmly in his gigantic hands were two of the creatures James had encountered by the radio. The pyramid creature carried them into the kitchen.  
James could've sworn he heard the beast speak. "Where is she? What did you do to her? I outta moider the both of yous!" His grip tightened on both of them until they let out one last breath of air and promptly fell out of his hands and onto the floor. He turned and faced the closet where James was hiding.  
'No, it couldn't be! Is he...? Is this...? No, it can't be. It just can't be!' James's mind raced a mile a minute. 'It must be... Why else?' James bent down and whispered into the mannequin's ear, or where he thought it should be. "Hey, that isn't your dad, is it? Jebus, I don't want to be caught with you here. Look what he did to those guys! If he finds out what I tried to do... You won't say anything, will you?" He looked to the creature crouching in the corner of the closet on the floor. It gave no sign that it understood. "Thanks, you're a doll. Now keep quiet until he's gone." James crept closer to the closet door and peered out of the slots. His eyes widen until it seemed like they would either burst or fall right off his head. The pyramid headed creature was making it's way towards James's hiding space.   
From James's point-of-view, it seemed as if this Pyramid Head was slowly walking to the closet, aware of his presence, ready to do to him what he did to the now dead things in the kitchen. He did not think this was a good thing.   
From Pyramid Head's point-of-view, he was hearing music only he could here, and it inspired him to dance. It was his favorite song, and it popped into his head every time he ruffed somebody up. It was "Eye of the Tiger," and he moved a foot forward with every beat. He swung his arms in tune with the music. He thought this was the best thing in the world.  
James shuddered as Pyramid Head grew nearer. He shuddered even more at the thought of what was going to happen to happen to him. But his fear was quickly subsided as the giant beast exited the room, ignoring the closet, and what lay inside. James quickly straightened out his dress. "Sorry baby, I gotta run. Angry dads aren't my thing." Before he left he spotted a key by one of the bodies in the kitchen. Upon closer inspection, he could see it was clearly labeled "Pool Area." 'Huzzah!' he thought. Now he would finally get a taste of what he'd come for. 


	4. Three sides to every pyramid

He made his way back to the door that would lead him to the ecstasy of the pool area. The hallway smelled stronger of stale beer, but at least now the lighting was better. The dress he was wearing came equipped with a flashlight in the front pocket. The light shone around the hallway revealing details James could not see before. A strange liquid, almost like water, was puddled in various spots along the hallway. Roaches and other vermin scurried about, casting strange shadows on the wall. But James was not to be deterred. He pushed the key hard into it's place in the door. He turned it sharply. He thrust open the door. He stopped and stared in amazement. His jaw dropped to the floor.  
James was not greeted with what he expected. He was hoping for bikini-clad, big breasted woman to be scattered around the pool. He was hoping to chase some muff around the pool. He was hoping to get laid a million times by a million different woman. This was not the case. The occupants of the pool weren't wearing clothes, but this did not excite James. Not even his pretty new dress could keep a smile on his face. He withdrew his plank from his hiding place under his skirt. He pressed the R2 button to ready his attack. He edged closer to the pool. He swung, 'smack!,' first one down. 'Pow!,' another. 'Whack!,' add a notch.  
To James, it would've been more exciting if they would've put up a fight. Instead, they simply stood still and took what was coming to them. The first one was the easiest. They second made an attempt to puke, but was knocked out by a swift pow to the head. The third accepted it's fate, and offered it's head towards James. James was still not happy. If he didn't see some action soon he might go insane.  
Professionals think it's a little too late for that.  
Much to James' surprise, a shopping cart sat in the middle of the pool. Inside this shopping cart rested a handgun. Inside the handgun was a full clip. 'Better than nothing,' he thought. He picked up the handgun and noticed something glimmering in the bottom of the cart. He picked up what appeared to be a coin with an engraving of a snake on it. "What the hell? Is this Canadian? I can't use this!" he exclaimed, and tossed the coin aside. He checked his map again and noticed that in order to exit these crazy apartments he would have to leap to the next building from an upstairs window and out a blue door. So he made his way back inside, to the second floor, out a fire escape, and into the neighboring apartments. Nothing special awaited him.  
After some searching he found one of the things he was looking for. A blue door. Plain as day. Every other door in the place was brown, so it stood out. He tried the handle. "Locked! Jebus...," he stated, but no one heard him.  
"Locked?! What now?" He thought for a moment. Then it hit him. "Of course!," he cried. "I'll just use my handgun and blast open the door!" He aimed his gun, fired, and missed. The bullet ricochet off the door and out a nearby window. "Whew, that was close. Good thing it didn't come back towards me." He moved closer to the door and aimed again. He squeezed the trigger and with a flash and a tiny explosion the door knob came flying off, landing somewhere nearby. He smashed into the door, and it burst open, James falling to the floor inside. He wished he hadn't done that.  
  
Of all the problems in the world, alcoholism seems to be less of a problem and more of a disease. Many people suffer from this, yet no one seems to do anything about it. Some try, but to no avail. They join support groups, go to meetings, even try beating their spouses, but nothing works. People enjoy alcohol and it's effects too much to give it up. A prohibition was tried once, but some short time later, it was repelled. In the words of a great man, "Alcohol is the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems."  
  
Waiting on the other side of the blue door was something terrible. Something no one wanted to see. Something so terrifying, so horrible, Hitler himself would leap out of his skin at the sight of it. Something that would, and did, make James pee his pants. Seeing as how he wasn't wearing pants, he peed his dress instead. There, hunched in the corner, sitting on the floor, his back to James, sat Pyramid Head. Lying next to Pyramid Head was a knife that could only be described as great. In Pyramid Head's hand was a beer keg. To one side was a staircase, but it was flooded. The door behind him suddenly locked for no reason, which seemed an impossible feat, seeing as how there was no longer a doorknob on the other side. Pyramid Head sat on the ground, rocking back and forth, drinking from the keg like it was a regular can of beer. Numerous other kegs sat around him. Some empty, some waiting to be drank. He finished the one he was holding, smashed it against his head, crumpling it, and tossed it back towards James, almost hitting him. James let out a squeal as the giant crushed keg soared past his head, hitting the wall with a loud, metallic clang, and falling to the floor with a softer noise of the same properties.  
"Keg's don't go squeal," thought Pyramid Head out loud. He turned around and was surprised to see a rather odd sight indeed. There stood a man, wearing a pink dress with flowers, and a fresh urine stain down the front, pointing a gun at his head.  
James fired as the beast turned ever so slowly around. The bullet bounced off Pyramid Head's head, and landed on the floor with a ping.  
Pyramid Head stood up as fast as his body would let him, which was slower than a one-legged turtle, picked up his great knife, and made his way towards James.  
James stood still, overcome by an emotion he had not felt in a while. Something he remembered to be a wonderful emotion. He believed it to be happiness. Or joy. Or laughter. Something like that. Either way, he could stand it no longer. His legs buckled and his mind bubbled. He let out a laugh that sounded more of a little girl's laugh than one of a grown man's. His eyes welled up with tears and his gut started hurting.  
Pyramid Head stopped in his tracks, and swayed a little as he stood there.  
"What're yous laughing at?"  
"Teehee... hee hee hee ho ho ah ha ha ha ha ha... oh, man... you're too much...," chuckled James.  
"Listen here buddy, I'm not here for your amusement. So I suggest yous shut your pie hole, unless yous want me to shut it for yous," growled Pyramid Head.  
"I... I can't... hehe... I can't help it! It's just... it's just... ha ha... he..."  
"Yous find something comical about my appearance do yous?"  
"Yes... ha HA HA ha ha ha... you... look... like... he he hehehe... you look like... an IDIOT! You're obviously drunk as hell, you can barely stand, and you're trying to drag this enormous knife around! Ha hahaha... oh, mercy..." He wiped a tear from his eye.  
"Who the hell are yous to say anything, you... *hiccup*... you're walking around in a *hiccup* in a dress! And I'm the *hiccup* idiot? I outta chop yer head off for that! *hiccup*"  
"Whatever you say... hehe... you whacko! Speaking of dresses, that's a nice apron you have on yourself! Where'd you get it? Tall and Stupid!? Ha, hahahahahahaha.... hahaha..."  
"Come 'er yous!" Pyramid Head grabbed James by the throat and lifted him several feet into the air. But the combination of his drunkenness and James' weight forced him to drop James. James landed on the floor with a dull thud, and rolled over laughing. This did not anger Pyramid Head for he was too busy crying. This just wasn't his day.  
James on the other hand was having the time of his life. Before him stood one of the drunkest monsters he'd ever seen, and it had the worst fashion taste. Who's ever heard of a giant pyramid head attachment with a butcher's apron in the middle of august. At least James' dress matched his pink socks.  
"Aww, what's the matter PHead baby? Is mean Mr. James too heavy for you? That's too bad... Maybe you should lay off the booze!" This sent James into hysterical laughter.  
"Quit it... Stop... stop being so mean! I can't take it!" screamed Pyramid Head. He started walking towards the flooded staircase. "I stands it 'till I stands no more! I'm just going to kill my self! Will that make you happy?!"  
But James couldn't answer. He was too busy laughing too hard.  
"Fine! Yous just... Yous just lay there, enjoy yourself! Have a ball! I don't care! No one will miss me, and that's fine! I'm... I'm going to do it... Don't bother trying to stop me neither!"  
James just couldn't pull himself together long enough to make a coherent reply.  
"Alright, here I go!" Pyramid Head stepped closer to the water. "This is it. The end. Bye bye *hiccup* cruel world!" He stepped closer. Closer. Closer still. Another five steps and he'd be there. He raised his left foot, moved it forward, then put it on the ground. He started to lift his right foot, but couldn't. It was blocked by his left foot. Pyramid Head hadn't calculated for this, and he came tumbling down to the ground, hard and fast.  
This was too much for James. He couldn't stand it. He hadn't laughed this hard since, well, he couldn't remember a time he'd laughed this hard. His sides hurt, he couldn't breathe, and his heart was beating faster than his brain could keep up with.  
Pyramid Head did not find this amusing at all. He slowly picked himself up, stumbled to the edge of the staircase, where it met with the water, and walked to the bottom.  
James still lay on the floor, rolling around and laughing like there was no tomorrow. Only after he realized he was alone did he finally stop. This was later noted as being twenty minutes after Pyramid Head had attempted to drown himself.  
Pyramid Head sat at the bottom of the flooded staircase, hearing James' maniacal laughter above. "Nuts to this," he thought. He spied a door through the murky water and proceeded to open it. The water came flowing out, carrying a soggy Pyramid Head with it.  
James stood up and looked around. The flooded stairwell was no longer flooded. He checked his map and noticed that the door at the bottom would lead into the outside world, back onto the main road, past the barricade. He cautiously approached the staircase and made his way down, keeping his eye out for his new friend. The door at the bottom was wide open and the water trailed out that way, so he figured PHead went out it. So he followed. 


	5. What wasn't

"Daylight! Thank Jebus! That crummy apartment was starting to get to me. It may be foggy, but at least it's daylight! Now where is that convenience store?" He started for his pocket, but someone interrupted him.  
"Hey mister! Why you wearing that dress? Dresses are for woman. You look funny. Hee hee!" said a little girl sitting on a nearby wall staring at James.  
"And what's a young girl sitting on such a high wall for? You better be careful. Are your parents around? Do they know what you're doing?" questioned James, a strange urge beginning to overcome him. The same urge that had put him in prison.  
"Huh? Are you blind or something?" screamed the little girl.  
"What? Blind? Who? I don't have time for this. I'm hungry, and you bother me. Besides, I don't want to go back there..." His thoughts drifted to his time spent in prison. He didn't enjoy it much, and had no plans of going back. He dismissed his urge and started to walk away.  
"Where're you going? That's not the right way! You're going the wrong way!"  
"I don't give a rat's ass! Leave me alone!" He picked up a rock from the ground and threw it at the girl. The rock landed with amazing accuracy in the middle of the girl's forehead. It threw her off balance, and she fell over the edge, landing head first on the pavement below.  
"That'll shut her up!" James said smugly, and walked away. He thought he knew where he was going until he ended up on a walkway over hanging a lake. "Damn, this doesn't seem right," James said as he scratched his head. He looked around him, his eyes drifting until something caught their attention. An attractive blond hair woman in a short skirt was standing a few feet away, looking over the water. "Damn, that doesn't seem right." His eyes bugged out of his head, but not far enough to fall out. Only enough to make him look incredibly stupid to the girl as she turned around in time to see James ogling her.  
"Can I help you with something sugar?" She spoke with a southern accent.  
"You wouldn't happen to be Mary, would you? Cause if you are, I gotta tell you, you're a fine specimen of a woman."  
"I can be whoever you want me to be," she interrupted.  
"Is that a fact?" questioned James.  
"It is actually. You see, I'm a figment of your imagination. Therefore, I can be who ever you want," she said with a wink.  
"Hey, don't ruin this for me. You're the cutest looking thing I've seen in at least an hour, and my hormones are raging. You know of a place a little more private we can go?"  
"Sure thing darling. There's the hospital, Historical Society, old creepy haunted jail under the lake, the gas station, or the boat docks. Your choice."  
"Ohhh, the boat docks! Sounds exciting. But wait, no, I have a strange fear of boats and fog horns and creepy foggy lakes... How about..." He thought about it for a second. If he went to the gas station, he could get her to buy some candy for him. "You got any money?" James asked, hoping this would make the decision easier.  
"No."  
"Right. How about the historical society then? Is it far from here?" asked James.  
"It's just up the road. Past the gas station, but before the dead body. Check your map," said the mystery woman as if it were nothing.  
James pulled out his map, not expecting to see "dead body" labeled on it. "Well I'll be damned up a goat's ass." "Dead body" was clearly labeled on the map, just past the historical society. "This place just gets weirder and weirder. Well, enough talk, let's go."  
And with that the handsome couple made their way to the Historical Society, past the gas station, but before the dead body.  
  
Bystanders, if there were any, would question what they saw. A man walking down the street, wearing a dress, holding a gun in one hand and a wooden plank in the other, talking to himself, was not something they would've seen every day. Of course, there were no bystanders, so no one questioned it. That is to say, no one could have questioned it, because no one was there. 


	6. A walk in the fog

James's walk with his imaginary friend was no more eventful than watching a plant grow. Except for the occasional comment made by James to no one, which he thought was someone. Their, or his rather, conversation was quite boring. It consisted of questions such as "So, what's you name?" followed by silence, where only James heard a reply. The reply was "Maria." He continued his walk, stopping occasionally to let his imaginary Maria catch up. He found what he thought to be the Historical Society and approached the door.  
  
"You have a key to this place?" asked James.  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Well then, how did you expect to get inside?"  
  
"I didn't. I only think what you want me to think," said Maria, who didn't really say anything.  
  
"Listen, would you stop with the 'I'm only a figment of your imagination' crap. It's creeping me out. You're making me think I'm insane or something."  
  
"You're making me talk. So you can make me shutup at anytime."  
  
"Would you stop that! That's what I'm talking about! Now help me with this door."  
  
He tried forcing the door open by ramming into it. When the only result this produced was a swollen shoulder, he tried shooting the doorknob. When this only resulted in a waste of bullets, he looked under the doormat for a key. When this only made him look stupid, he gave up.  
  
"Know of anywhere else we can go?" asked a tired, sweaty, and out of breathe James.  
  
"Sure thing honey. It's back the way we came. Behind the bowling alley."  
  
"This place has a bowling alley? Wicked! Can we stop and bowl a few frames?" inquired James with a look of joy.  
  
"Not a chance. I hate bowling. Besides, our time together is short and I'd just like to get this over with. It's quite pathetic actually," stated Maria, who didn't really state anything.  
  
"And may I ask what's so pathetic about two adults engaging in the act of love?"  
  
"Well, the fact that I'm not real. And the fact that you're only going to end up humping a mattress."  
  
"Alright, if you mention this 'not real' nonsense one more time, there'll be no love making."  
  
"Fine. I don't care either way. Let's go."  
  
There are many obsessions in this world. Some are more common than others. Others are more accepted than some. Yet of these many, many obsessions, there is one that only a few know of. And those few that know of it, choose not to acknowledge it. With the exception of one person. Well, not a person per-say, but humanoid in figure. This fellow who chooses to acknowledge this obsession, does not realize it's an obsession. He sees it as a hobby.  
  
"I'll get him good. No good, good fer nothing punk! I'll learn him!" Pyramid Head paced about his room, eyeing his various trophies. One was a chemistry teacher who flunked him in high school. Another was a neighbor who's dog defecated on his lawn one too many times. Next to him was his dog. In the corner was a delivery driver from some pizza place who rubbed him the wrong way. All were strung up in cubes. Their stiff, cold, dead bodies suspended effortlessly in metal frames. Pyramid Head cleared a spot in the corner for what he hoped to be a new addition to his collection. "Yes, he'll fit nicely here. Now to sober up a little, and chase the punk down." He left loose a cackle from an unknown source. 


	7. The mattress and Plan B

Sweat poured from every pore on his body. Blood pumped through every vein with lightning speed. His heart beat with a fury not known to man. The mattress had proven to be more work than he had anticipated. Of course, he hadn't anticipated a mattress at all. He was hoping to get laid by a sexy woman. Of course, he still thought it was a woman he was making love to. The mattress knew otherwise.  
  
After what seemed like an hour, but was really only 30 seconds, James pulled back up his under-roos, pulled his skirt back down, and lit up a cigarette.   
  
No one knew where he got the cigarette, but not many knew James even existed. And those who did, if they were there, would wonder about more serious things then James smoking origin-less cigarettes. Like why a man in a dress, holding a plank and a gun, was humping a mattress, talking to himself. But no one was there, so it doesn't matter.  
  
"Damn. That's all I have to say. I don't know about you..." He drew a deep, intoxicating mass of smoke from the cigarette, exhaling slowly. "But I was great. On a scale from one to ten, I give myself an eleven. Did you have as much fun as I did?"  
  
Maria sat on the corner of the bed, fully-clothed, yet non-existent. "If you say so."  
  
"Of course you did," he said with a smile. "Quick question. You don't happen to know this PHead guy, do you? I met him earlier, but he took off crying, whining about killing himself or something. The thing is, he took something of mine, and I want it back."  
  
"Oh?" inquired Maria. "And what was it he took?"  
  
"Well, ok. So he didn't really take anything. But he owes me money."  
  
"Oh?" inquired Maria. "And how much does he owe you?"  
  
"Alright. Honestly, I just like making fun of the guy. And I thought if you knew where he lived or something, I could go leave a flaming pile of shit on his door," James stated with a grin.  
  
"Oh?" inquired Maria. "And what would that prove?"  
  
"Listen here bitch, you're pissing me off. One minute you're saying you're not real, and now you sound like a broken record. Is there any way to get you to shutup or go away or something?"  
  
And with a puff of smoke that seemed pointless and over dramatic, she was gone, leaving James with only a confused look on his face.  
  
"Wow," James said to himself. "She must've been a magician!"  
  
Pyramid Head searched around his room frantically. "Where's that damn aspirin?" he asked himself. He went to the bathroom and flung open the cabinets. "Nothing! Damnit!" He ran to the kitchen, found nothing, then ran to the living room. Still finding nothing. 'Well,' he thought, 'There's always plan B.'  
  
James ran back to the Historical Society. Hidden in a hole in the middle of the mattress he had just deflowered, he found a key. Not just any key, but the key to the Historical Society. Which is why he ran back there. Checking his map, he saw that there was an underground prison that would lead to the boat docks. He could use the a boat from the boat docks to cross the lake. Across the lake was the Lakeview Hotel. This pleased James. Things were looking better by the minute.  
  
Things weren't looking good for Pyramid Head. He couldn't find the aspirin bottle for the life of him. And his being drunk didn't help the search. He would have to resort to something he didn't want to resort to. Something that would probably take a while. Something that wasn't pleasant, but would have to be done if he didn't find the aspirin.  
After 30 minutes, he didn't find the aspirin.  
  
James looked around his surroundings. It reminded him of his time spent in a place similar to where he stood now. He rubbed a nearby bar, giving it a look of love. Oh how he missed the feel of cold hard steel in his hands. He opened the cell and walked inside. He turned around, closed the cell, and stood with his ass in the air, gripping a bar firmly in each hand. A thousand memories, minus nine-hundred ninety-nine, came flooding back to him.  
  
"Take it Barbara! Take it! You like that, don't ya?! Oh yeah, that's the stuff! Right there! Wait... hold it... I'm going to... Oh, too late.. Thanks babe, you're the best." An image with audio filled James' head. His cell mate, Isaac, had just made James his bitch. Or Barbara rather. He had only been in a year and this was his 500th "adventure" with Isaac. But not his last. James enjoyed his time in prison more than he cared to admit to anyone. Except Isaac, whom he still remained in contact with.  
  
James' mind cleared up and he continued his journey. He made his way through the old creepy haunted jail under the jail. He was determined to be deterred no more. He was on a mission. He elbowed or shot or slapped with his plank (of wood) anything that got in his was. And plenty did.  
  
Pyramid Head was not looking too happy. His lack of aspirin left him only one option. He made his way to his fridge. He slowly opened the door and pulled out a gallon of water. He ripped off the cap and tossed it on the floor. He put the gallon up to his head.  
  
James didn't enjoy this prison as much as the last one. He was all alone, except for the occasional creature blocking his path. But after killing said creatures, he was alone again. Checking his map, he saw that a hatch that lay before him would lead into a labyrinth, which would, in a series of twist, turns, and dead-ends, lead him to the boat docks. Except for one problem. The handle on the hatch was broken. It did not present that much of a problem, for James was a thinker. He could easily figure this one out. He's encountered worse.  
  
Five empty gallon jugs lay on the floor. A thud announced the arrival of a 6th. A whine announced the arrival of a full bladder. The owner of the full bladder, and the source of the whine, was Pyramid Head. He wanted his bladder to be as full as it could get. It was all apart of his plan. 


	8. Worst Chapter Ever

James couldn't figure out where he was or what he was doing. He'd been stumbling around the dark, dank, smelly prison for hours. He found a few drawings in one cell, and some weird wax doll in another. A guillotine rested in a large room on one side. He considered hanging himself to end the torment presented by the maze like prison, but the prospects of getting laid were too great to pass up. Maybe afterwards.  
  
Pyramid Head was felt a little uneasy. He swayed from side to side. The 47th empty gallon in his hand. Every thing was working out nicely.  
  
James' collection of seemingly useless items grew steadily. In one pocket was a wax figure, a lighter, a pack of condoms, minus one, a bullet clip, a broken handle, and a map. In the other pocket, a red pen. Then an idea came to him. A brilliant idea.  
  
Pyramid Head, the poor bastard, was on his 62nd gallon of water. Where he got this water, know one knew. But he got it from somewhere. And he put it to his advantage. Plan B. Also known as Plan Exodus.  
  
James' brilliant idea wasn't so brilliant. In fact, it was just plain stupid. But it was the best James could come up with. He pulled out the wax figure.  
  
99 represents many things. The number of bottles of beer on the wall. The year a man named Harry came to this town. The number of gallons of water Pyramid Head drank. Only one more to go and his plan would be half-way complete.  
  
James marveled at his creation. It was his best plan ever. He thought it was the most amazing plan anyone could ever come up with.  
  
When the only witness to James' idea, a small girl with a large bump on her head, was questioned weeks after these events took place, her reply was nothing short of what anyone else would've thought. She was quoted as saying, "I've seen better ideas in first grade science projects! The big poopy head is a moron!"  
  
Pyramid Head wasn't looking so good. His face, or where his face should've been, was a pale shade of green. His eyes would've been, if he had any, floating. His legs shook at the extra weight. His belly bulged. His bladder was ready to burst. It was time.  
  
James was overcome with joy. The miniature model of Pyramid Head he had made out of the wax would prove very useful.  
  
In reality it did, but not as James had planned.  
  
Voodoo was not something James excelled in. In fact, he didn't know the first thing about it. But he didn't know he didn't know. He thought he knew. He withdrew the lighter from his pocket. A shadow crept by in the background, but James didn't notice. Flames were reflected in his eyes, which glowed with malace and content.  
  
Pyramid Head stumbled around, looking for his great knife. It took him a few moments to remember he left it in his guest room. He grabbed the nearest instrument of destruction, which happened to be a spear, and stumbled towards the door. In one hand was the spear. The other hand was clutching the spot of his belly where his bladder hid.  
  
The wax figure of Pyramid Head was slowly melting, creating a puddle of wax in the crevice on the hatch that once was host to a handle. But James was not aware of this. Poor James wasn't aware of a lot of things. Like the person in the shadows watching his every move.  
  
Pyramid Head was a little more perceptive. He knew what he was doing. He swilled as many gallons of water as his massive bladder would hold, and it was time for release. Release of the urine, and the toxins within the urine from the alcohol. He found a nice corner, and began Plan B.  
  
Frustrated and burnt thumbed, James was not happy. His wax figure had melted and formed a puddle in the handle-less crevice on the hatch bellow. In his rage, he pulled the handgun from his pocket and threw it with anger at the ground bellow. It landed with a sickening thud in the puddle, and remained there. The watcher in the shadows couldn't help but giggle. James heard the noise and spun on one foot, facing the spot where the noise orginated.  
  
"Who's there? PHead? Is that you? Hey, buddy, come here. I just want to... uh... hug you. Yeah, hug..." There was no reply.  
  
"Damnit PHead, would you just come out? I won't hurt you, I promise," James said with a fake smile. Still no reply.  
  
"Fine then, be that way!" Frustrated, and in a sour mood, James turned back to the hatch. He finally noticed that the handgun had landed in the wax, and cursed. Then it hit him. The wax would hold the gun in place and provide a mock handle, but he'd have to leave the gun. He bent down, grabbed the gun, and lifted. 'Huzzah!' he thought as the hatch opened. He started to make his way down.  
  
The stranger in the shadows crept foward. It was Lara, with a noticable bump on her head. She tip-toed closer to where James stood, arms streched out, ready to push James down the hole. But she was too late. James had blindly lept in before she could reach him. And cause something terrible to happen. The force of the hatch closing caused the hand gun to fire. Sadly, it was aimed right at Lara's right knee cap. As the bullet exited her flesh, blood spraying behind it, she clasped the wound with her hands, and fell to the floor, tears in her eyes.  
  
But James didn't care. Not only for the fact that he didn't know, cause even if he did know, he still wouldn't care. He just didn't care about anyone. James was that kind of bitch. He cared about one person, and one person only. Himself.  
  
And like wise, no one cared about him. His parents hated him. His ex-girlfriends wished death upon him. Any one else he crossed didn't even realize he existed, for the most part. But this didn't bother James. As far as he knew, he was the greatest person alive. No one agrees. 


	9. Chapter 9

James was not one for words. His mind may have been filled with abstract thoughts, but they rarely escaped his head. As he tumbled blindly down the open hole, his mind drifted in and out of his delusions. An acidic smell filled his nostrils as he came closer to the ground, distorting his thoughts further.  
  
But no matter how warped James' mind was, it wasn't enough to prepare him for things to come. Nothing, in fact, could prepare any one for the events about to happen to James. Like some things in life, or some might just say life, it began with a bang.  
  
A terrific, and some how wet sounding bang echoed in the surrounding halls as James landed on the ground bellow. He laid for a minute, contemplating the shooting pain in his left leg. But the thoughts of pain left as soon as James realized he lay in a horrific smelling, and strangely warm, liquid. He quickly stood up, which was a mistake, as his left leg could not support his weight. He quickly fell back to ground. Quicker then it took him to stand up. The thoughts of pain returned. He tried once more, this time a lot slower, and achieved success.  
  
He stood for a moment, wondering where he might be. Having no clue, he gave up on his location, and focused on the flood in which he stood. It's warmth did not escape James, for the liquid filled his shoes, and heated his feet. His warm feet soon became his warm ankles, so James decided it was best to keep moving. How he came to this decision, he wasn't sure. It just seemed like a good idea.  
  
James never had any good ideas. Or even any decent ones. But this was, by far, his worst idea yet, as everything after this point in his life is filled with pain and suffering. And maybe a few laughs. 


End file.
